Examine Your Heart
Let me start off by saying that this is not a normal thing for me. I do not open up my heart to many friends or even family members, let alone strangers. I am extremely private and introverted. But.. recently I have had the insane pressure put on my heart to open up and be vulnerable.
From my own experience I know how letting all of your sadness, worries, anger, and grief out into the open can be the most healing, weight lifting action. Not only for yourself, but for others. Hearing someone else’s struggles allows you to feel more connected; and truly know that– You are not alone.
While struggling these past couple years, I did feel alone. completely, utterly alone. Who could I turn to that would be able to offer some comfort or solace? Who could really lean into my heart and pick it up for me?
But I realized one day.. that we are all silently suffering. All of us. We all have things in our life that make it difficult. But we all still exist. We all thrive despite the occasional feeling that our bodies are about to burst.
And I am here to share my story as it has been told so far. And to tell you that I see you. I know you are broken and trying your hardest. I understand the pain, I understand the sadness, I understand the need to push it as far from you as possible.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing so well despite it all.
Okay so my parents are divorced. If you knew my family when I was younger, then you may be surprised. Despite living in the home, and seeing some problems, I can’t help but admit that I, too, was surprised. It happened about 2ish years ago? I think? See- I’m so far detached that time doesn’t exist for that period.
But I was newly married trekking across America, miraculously protected in this little bubble of separation. I was sad and angry, but the events had taken place so far from me, and existed outside of my life that the blow wasn’t nearly as impactful as it would’ve been if I was still living at home.
Of course having your parent’s date other.. let me say “less than desirable” people is maybe even more difficult to swallow. However, like everything else, I buried it. I thought I dealt with it, but I unconsciously just buried it deeper into my heart so that I could move on.
And then of course- there’s marriage. The most self sacrificing journey anyone could ever begin.
So yes, like everyone else, we have problems.
But again, I became quite skilled at acknowledging, superficially dealing, then letting it sit and fester within my heart.
It wasn’t until I was in Italy for two weeks, forced out of my life, forced out of my comfort zone, forced to slow down, that I was forced to acknowledge the utter grief. I have a tendency to keep myself busy, and to never rest. Which does have its benefits, but too much can lead to unacknowledged problems. Which just grow bigger and stronger with time.
So unfortunately, instead of admiring and being thankful for the magnificent opportunity I had been given, I became overwhelmed with the sadness that had made its home within me.
I had thrown myself into daily tasks. I threw myself into my role as a wife. I threw myself into my school. I threw myself into my business. I threw myself into every other thing. Except what mattered the absolute most.
Do you ever feel like you’re constantly on the brink of crying, but try your absolute hardest to resist because you fear if you let one tear slip your whole body might shatter from the intense pressure of utter sadness that needs to flow from your body?
I realized I needed to do something, I needed to find a release. And I began seeing a counselor.
Who quite literally saved my heart.
I am still seeing her, crying every session. But there has been so much progress. And even though the trip to Italy isn’t what I dreamed it would be, I cannot help be thankful that it happened. That I was exposed to my heart’s needs.
I can struggle with being joyful. with being hopeful. with trusting. with feeling worthy. with feeling wanted.
I well up when I see photos of myself, things I was doing, because I know my state of happiness was far greater that it is now. And I struggle to imagine myself ever becoming that person again.
But I am working towards it. I have the goal in mind. I am examining my heart daily, I am being open with myself and others. I am trying.
I write this not to gain pity or empathy, but to be honest. So that you can understand that absolutely no one has it all together. And everything I have learned and talk about, is from my own experiences.
I want to encourage you to speak to someone. Whether it be a counselor or mentor. You need someone who isn’t biased, who isn’t already involved with your life. Seek out wisdom.
Daily distractions can be healthy, but too many can damage your sight on whats important. Don’t push everything down and away. It never truly goes away until you look it in the face and hear its cry.
Hope that you are on a path to becoming that wellspring of life.